I don't know if you know this, but there's a Troll living in our basement,
The Troll Under the Stairs!
Allow me to set the scene:
I am dreaming of four sets of shoes being placed in a quad cubby by our "dream" front door.
As I put the fourth pair in, ankle boots, I hear knocking.
Pounding.
1,2,3,4....1,2,3,4....1,2,3,4....1,2,3.
Repeat.
I can't get the ankle boots in the cubby fast enough!
The shoes begin to fade into a slow, fuzzy, hypnosis like swirl and everything becomes black.
I open my eyes. The pounding? Was that real? I glance at my phone and it's 8:16 am.
Surely, the Troll has nothing to say to me this early?
Yet I know.
I know, the rhythm of the rapid, anxious, poundings, produced only by
The Troll Under the Stairs
A little backstory:
Our apartment building is for sale.
A sign was hastily placed in front of our house, or is it in front of the abandoned building next door?
Yesterday, I had an afternoon visit from The Troll saying realtors would be coming by to show my apartment, followed by the troll-speak "you be here 4 o'clock?"
Oh you tricky little Troll!
Guess who else is tricky?
"What realtors?" I asked. Coyness is a blessing of mine when used for good and not evil (or improv)
"For deee house! Dey Comeen tomoddow." screamed Troll as she waved her arms and slapped the sides of her hips, as she often punctuates her sentences.
So at least then I had answers.
UNDERSTAND THIS:
The Troll Under the Stairs can be offhandedly nice at times. Sometimes she even smiles. It's like spinning the Wheel of fortune with each interaction. But the congeniality is a rarity. A rarity, indeed. One I believe to be induced only with the proper medication.
Present day:
We last left Tracey laying in bed, anxiety rising faster than smoke from a fire.
I look over at Lewie, he's asleep. Damn. Typical.
I roll over and breathe deep. I even start a visualization exercise to calm the demons of craziness.
I'm almost there, one voice sealed, two voices sealed, quiet, heaviness, subconscious visions......
1,2,3,4....1,2,3,4....1,2,3,4....1,2,3.
It's 8:30 am.
Mother. Fuck.
(In my head) "I've already told that Troll that people can see the place at 4pm! I will not allow this!"
(What came out) "Lewie, did you hear knocking"
Coy. I told you.
Lewie: Yeah. I'm not getting up though.
Me (outloud): Yeah.
(In my head) : I'm freaking out and need to get up to see if there's a note on the door, which is a very common weekly occurence here.
We can't go back to sleep and it's inevitable that the knocking pattern will continue.
We rise at 8:52 am, anticipating the heavy tread of
The Troll Under the Stairs.
Similar to menstruating each month, you know it's going to happen, and you just have to wait it out.
I pee. 9:02 am.
Just as I'm about to flush,
1,2,3,4....1,2,3,4...1,2-
I throw open our front door.
"What is it?" I ask standing in my pink robe, sleep still in my eyes, ready to fight.
I am face to face with the Troll.
Orange bowl cut hair in disarray, black eyes beaming, robust nostrils flaring,
"Listen to me, (which is
always perfectly comprehendable) I get up and is all over dee basement. Gonna calla dee plumba. Catsheet. You are deee on a leee one. All over dee basemeh. Catsheet."
My heart is racing like I've just done 3 lines of blow followed by a pot of coffee and a redbull, sugarfree.
It is then I notice she is holding large, white putty knife.
On the putty knife, is a mess of greyish matter.
This is starting to make sense.
There is shit all over the basement, her coven, and she thinks it's from
our cat??!!
"What is that?" (coy)
She comes closer. With the gunk.
"Catsheet. You dee only one dat hassa cat. You clogga toyleh. You no flush it! Nesstime you gonna pay for dee plumber." One arm flailing, smaking the outer hip while the other holds the mess.
I'm about to lose it.
"No," I say (in my head)
"No," I yell (outloud)
We don't flush kitty litter, and don't sit here and accuse us*
(*To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure this was comprehendable. All I could hear was the pulsing in my head. She spoke in Troll code and I continued to respond, totally comprehendable and calm I'm certain.)
The Troll started in again, "I not gonna pay for dees again, No cat. No more cat again."
Then I did something I've been wanting to do since the day this horrible Troll wouldn't assist me with my cable needs,
I shut. The door.
The screaming heightened.
"No close ah dee door! Growl, drool, thud, ROAR!"
Followed by a fading thud, thud, thud, thud, thud. SLAM!
I stood up to the Troll. For the first time.
I looked at Lewie, shaking with rage, and I started crying:
1. Because I hate confrontation and the release of conflict, no matter who "wins" evokes this reaction
2. Because I hadn't had coffee yet- not a drop
and most importantly
3. Because I knew she'd be back, eventually.
Just like your monthly period.
