It's more about...

What a wonderful world.

If you're not my friend.  I don't care to follow your life.

That's it.

I'm not upset with you.  I'm not concerned with you.

I have to be able to give focus to the people that deserve it.

The people who have shown me what it is to be a friend.

A Good.  Human.  Being.

Seriously, you can figure it all out.  You can be as glamour-puss as you want, I know I will!  But don't expect me to follow along if there isn't a mutual love, respect, and understanding.

MUTUAL

MUTUAL

MUTUAL

what a funny and poignant word, huh?

It just doesn't matter any more.  There are other things to think about before time runs out.

And it does.

It's the one thing we all can be sure of. 

So, if we agree to disagree, it's fair.

Not because I say it is.  That's not fair at all, but because it's MUTUAL.

Life's too short.

Live Bitches, live!!!!

(Ahhhh that felt good.)

Little Miss Mitzi Gaynor

Do yourself a favor and get into this bitch!

I'm not sure where to start

So on the eve of the 2008 VMA's Britney allowed a video crew to tape her every move in order to "stage" a comeback.  From 10pm (est) until 11:10pm (est, of course) I was re-introduced to the megastar that is Britney Spears.  The difference is that her eyes are filled with sadness.  That spunky little sexpot is officially scarred.  Now mine you,  I love a comeback as much as I love a demise and I am routing for Britney.  I couldn't take my eyes off of the TV!

However, history has certainly shown us how these stories end.  I don't want to say Marilyn Monroe but I guess I just did.  

Everyone should check out this MTV original "documentary."  Paid for of course by Ms. Spears with the help of her 2 fragrances, "desperation," and "redemption" or whatever they are called.

There's a special segment w/ Madonna who is also a hot mess.  You should see her face all planet of the apes-like.  She looks like all of the "ladies who lunch" before the matinees in the Theatre District.  It's like the blind leading the blind, really.

 

I will say that the footage of the paparazzi is TERRIFYING.  I don't know how anyone can live like this...they can't.  Remember Marilyn?  

Sad eyes turn the other way I don't want to see you cry.  Oh Sad eyes you knew there'd come a day when we would have to say goodbye.

But for now...on with the show, and what a CIRCUS it is.

My Thanksgiving Gobligations

After no blog, I blog.  

Thankful for freedom of speech.

Thankful for gorging myself in vices.

Thankful that I don't have to write a full sentence in order to end with a period.

Not the bloody kind.

But that too.

I was alarmingly pleased to see Rick Astley in the Macy's Day Parade.

I'm NEVER gonna give you up, Rick.

This thanksgiving was one for the books.  Really, really, really good turkey.

People were actually passing out at the party.  That's how fulfilling it was.

This is exactly how I like a party.

I hope everyone else's day was as delightful as mine.

If not...sorry?

Free style writing..can it be a sketch??

Goddamn it's hard to sit and try to write 2-3 minutes of pure funny.  Maybe I'm missing the point.  I'm in a sketch comedy writing class and I can't seem to hit the nail on the head, aka start writing something that doesn't suck balls.  Maybe my humor is too dark or maybe I want to do too much too quickly but something's gotta give.  It will, as God is my witness it will!!  It's finding a happy medium of doing enough without doing too much and vise versa.  Sound confusing...imagine how my brain is reacting to it, and as you may or may not know I have an abnormally small head.  It's like in the movie Beetlejuice when he gets sprinkled with dust and the head shrinks.  That's me.  At least I have a pretty face?  (She asks in desperation.)  Interestingly enough I feel a sketch coming on....

Tonight, tonight.....

I'm revisiting a classic, and this time, with a room full of virgins!!!!

Life doesn't get much better than that.

Pet Peeve #113

A Note to Actors:  If you are going to pick up a goddamn styrofoam coffee cup at least pretend there is liquid in it.  PUT LIQUID IN IT.  There is nothing that takes me out of a show quicker than someone picking up an empty cup and then drinking out of it.  It's called acting...pretend.

I'm especially talking to the cast of Grey's Anatomy.  You're show has become suck-tastic as it is, you could use all the realism you could get.

This is just one of many pet peeve entries to come...

Gotcha!

Karma is a funky thing.

I mean everyone thinks they are doing the "right thing" so it all comes right back atcha positively.  Guess what?  What we think is positive karma isn't quite that.

If you gave the bum a dollar but you huffed at a lady getting off the train.

BAD KARMA.  If you left an extra few bucks on the table for the waitress but called your friend a day late on her birthday-BAD KARMA.  If you saved an old lady from getting hit by a bus but raped a baby the night before-BAD KARMA.  It's the things we think are good karma that actually aren't doing SHIT for us, contrarily it's our habitual selfishness that we might not even know exists that really bites us in the ass.  The people who think they are the "best hearted" are actually black holes so watch out!!  

What's the point?  Lewie, I'm sorry I lost your headphones.  Bad, bad, karma on my part.

A New Year

I pledge

to do everything I've ever wanted to

within reason.

I will not rape or steal or kill

but everything else is free game.

Oh so Wise!

I have some serious hairy moles.

Seriously.

They're almost alarming, and they grow so fast.

The Chinesers say it's a sign of wisdom to have hairy moles.

I couldn't agree more.

Beauty=wisdom and youth.

I can say that of all of those elements...

at least I have hairy melanoma.

Cheers!

Tyra Put it in the Banks

Who does Tyra think she is?  A model turned money grubber who knows SHIT!  Tryin' to be the next Oprah Winfrey, huh?  There can only be one Oprah and she's busy being a philanthropist, NOT training reality stars who's pictures will be posted on Cover Girl in the biggest bullshit corporation in the states.  American Idol is  just training reality stars, not actual STARS.  I saw Ace Young in Grease and it's painful.  Why hire a baby to do a pedophile's job?  Seriously!  

Whitney is the fakest top model winner in shizzz-tory.  Really?  She was the best and it had nothing to do with the fact that a "big girl" hadn't won top model in the past?  I would get it if she were up against Cycle 9 winner Salisha (boo hisssssss horrible winner!!) but she was up against Anya who was the shit!!  

Tyra if you want us to believe you don't do things for rating you need to heed your own advice about convincing people of finding your strengths and expanding on them.  If you claim to be so real then BE REAL.  I don't think you're that capable though, I think you're just ready for your next dollar.  This is not Dr. Phil bitch!  

Don't expect me to stop watching though.  I'm firmly tuned into this peice of shit.

FEAR

To be afraid or feel anxious or apprehensive about a possible or probable situation or event.

Spitter McSpackle

I hate loogies.

They are the nastiest shit around.

Worse than human excrement, at least SHIT is funny.

There is NOTHING funny about spit.

Hawkers.

Hak Hak patooey.

Get yourself a gentlemanly hanky.  

When I step in spit a baby dies.

Remember that next time you have to do this in public.

I'm keeping count starting now.  

Eventually you will see me on TV.

Save the polar bears?  Save the South African children? NO! Save the babies who died from Spitter McSpakle disease.

Details to follow....

"Here's some acid for your face....motherfucker"

The above is a quote from Edith Massey, aka the beloved egg lady from John Waters films.  However I just finished watching a doucumentary called CRAZY LOVE about a real heroine who got acid tossed in her face in 1959.  Her name, Linda Riss and she's my new moderate obsession.  Here's the sitch, and mind you this is a piece of real american history.  Linda was gorge-majorge...beautiful by all standards.  Fast forward to the meeting of a man named Burt Pugach, a dirty ugly poop head who wined and dined her and flew her around in his goddamn jet! Like all too good to be true cassanova's, Burt ended up married and had a hell of problems.  He tells Linda he's filed for divorce but he made the mistake of showing her the paperwork and she researched it only to find out they were FAKE!  She calls it off, ends up engaged to another man named "Schwartz" and all is well with the world.  

Nope, I lied...Burt goes bazonkers and hires two black men to deliver an engagement present.  When she answers the door, thinking it's an expensive gift, she got a dose 

Of ACID TO THE EYES!!!  Blinded her.  

So he goes to jail long story short and she went to Europe (had a blast but never got laid PS) but Burt wrote her tons of letters talking about how much he still loved her.  BLAH BLAH BLAH...acid, bitch, does not fare well with most women.  Linda AINT MOST WOMEN.

According to her friends she was feelin' a little lonely and spinster-like (she was 35 after all) and Burt just made parole.  Yippee!  So she agrees to a meeting.  Guess what?  They've been married ever since.  Guess what else?  He was also on trial again for stalking some Asian bitch! 

Now, although seemingly weak, Ms. Linda is quite the opposite.  She has a flare for theatrics and a mad fashion sense.  Plus she didn't let Acid get her down.  And hers was the worst trip EVER! She is alive and residing with Burt in Rego Park, Queens!!

I would say check out the documentary, but I've already told you all you need to know.  Or have I.....

While the door remains shut...

My fiancee enlightened me today on how boys shit.

This may seem naive, but it was a fascinating thing to really dive into for me,

seeing I've never had a penis but wondered what it would be like to have it for a day!

They poop and pee at the same time like us girls!!

Their junk just hangs in the space between the seat and the water.

What if your willy is so long it brushes your shit?

Is that infectious?

I'm willing to say that it is.

But for now, I have to paint my nails.

Grrrrrrrr

Please don't make me explain to you why I hate this picture.

Fine, I will.

There's going to be a rubber taste in my bacon now.

Thanks pretentious piggy.

Happy Goddamn Roshashana

And thanks for the day off!

This is how it feels to plan a wedding......

Trees and Tribulations

What a beautiful fall day!  Not too hot, Not too cold and yet seemingly appropriate to pull out my blue pashmena.  Yes, Pashmena.  Astoria is always great in the fall because of all the trees just lining the streets.  Up ahead in the distance, I see one stark raving mad child pushing an empty stroller.  I think, God, that kid is kind of cute.  He proceeded to get closer.  Then abruptly, and without reason or remores SLAMS into my g.d. shins.  Mom or Grandma (who can tell) with her hispanic accent and orange curly hair is smiling like a goon, like it's the cutest thing she's ever seen.  She says to me "Sorry," with a shit eating grin.  I yelled back "It's okay, but you might wanna get a handle on that situation."  She didn't even look back and that diablo pequeno continued to push that empty stroller.  It became clear to me that this is a losing battle, and I'll let the girl he ends up impregnating deal with his bullshit.  

Happy Fall!

WHY WHY WHY!!!!

Dearest funny ass Kristen Wiig,

Why did you go and chop your nose?

A funny lady faux of paux.

Is Kathy Griffith who you wanna be,

a chopped up Joan River type celebrity.

What's done is done I always say,

and part of your funny has gone away.

I'll still support you but one thing is fact,

you can never have your old nose back.

love,

Miss Petrillo

PS if you did this for a deviated septum I take it all back.

Stars of Tomorrow

Hell is many things to many people.

Burning rivers of flames.

Brimstone and hellfire.

Not being able to drink anymore due to addiction....

and a new vision has been lain before my eyes, 

Open Mic night at the Waltz-Astoria.

Song is the owner and she let it be known before the "artists" graced the stage that she trained in classical piano for years, did the whole "conservatory thing," and just CHOSE not to be a performer.  She NEVER wanted to be a performer...but she respects it.  Song as you may have guessed by the name, is Asian.

A slew of acoustic, self-depricating, oppression laced tunes echoed the 2 HOUR open mic night as Aaron and I continued to get more and more wasted off the delicious $6 sangria.  Digging the fruit out of the bottom of the glass chopstick style was the most interesting part of my evening.  

They had a 16 year old boy/girl comedian who stole all his material from comedy central and ended his set with a rousing rendition of a barely audible "What I Got," by Sublime.  A duo that loved to harmonize but couldn't, a "sassy bastard" guitar player that was dull strull, and ended the evening with a nasally Jewel wannabe.  She sang "Foolish Games" and her own creation "County Road 99."  

I wanted to slit my wrists.

I didn't.

I have too much to live for.

Like next week's open mic night.

A Simple Inquiry

God Save me!

So like when conjoined twins masturbate do they kiss?

Does this make them gay?

Or incestious?

Or just "normal?"

That's for you to ponder, and me to whack off to.