Free style writing..can it be a sketch??

Goddamn it's hard to sit and try to write 2-3 minutes of pure funny.  Maybe I'm missing the point.  I'm in a sketch comedy writing class and I can't seem to hit the nail on the head, aka start writing something that doesn't suck balls.  Maybe my humor is too dark or maybe I want to do too much too quickly but something's gotta give.  It will, as God is my witness it will!!  It's finding a happy medium of doing enough without doing too much and vise versa.  Sound confusing...imagine how my brain is reacting to it, and as you may or may not know I have an abnormally small head.  It's like in the movie Beetlejuice when he gets sprinkled with dust and the head shrinks.  That's me.  At least I have a pretty face?  (She asks in desperation.)  Interestingly enough I feel a sketch coming on....

Tonight, tonight.....

I'm revisiting a classic, and this time, with a room full of virgins!!!!

Life doesn't get much better than that.

Pet Peeve #113

A Note to Actors:  If you are going to pick up a goddamn styrofoam coffee cup at least pretend there is liquid in it.  PUT LIQUID IN IT.  There is nothing that takes me out of a show quicker than someone picking up an empty cup and then drinking out of it.  It's called acting...pretend.

I'm especially talking to the cast of Grey's Anatomy.  You're show has become suck-tastic as it is, you could use all the realism you could get.

This is just one of many pet peeve entries to come...

Gotcha!

Karma is a funky thing.

I mean everyone thinks they are doing the "right thing" so it all comes right back atcha positively.  Guess what?  What we think is positive karma isn't quite that.

If you gave the bum a dollar but you huffed at a lady getting off the train.

BAD KARMA.  If you left an extra few bucks on the table for the waitress but called your friend a day late on her birthday-BAD KARMA.  If you saved an old lady from getting hit by a bus but raped a baby the night before-BAD KARMA.  It's the things we think are good karma that actually aren't doing SHIT for us, contrarily it's our habitual selfishness that we might not even know exists that really bites us in the ass.  The people who think they are the "best hearted" are actually black holes so watch out!!  

What's the point?  Lewie, I'm sorry I lost your headphones.  Bad, bad, karma on my part.

A New Year

I pledge

to do everything I've ever wanted to

within reason.

I will not rape or steal or kill

but everything else is free game.

Oh so Wise!

I have some serious hairy moles.

Seriously.

They're almost alarming, and they grow so fast.

The Chinesers say it's a sign of wisdom to have hairy moles.

I couldn't agree more.

Beauty=wisdom and youth.

I can say that of all of those elements...

at least I have hairy melanoma.

Cheers!

Tyra Put it in the Banks

Who does Tyra think she is?  A model turned money grubber who knows SHIT!  Tryin' to be the next Oprah Winfrey, huh?  There can only be one Oprah and she's busy being a philanthropist, NOT training reality stars who's pictures will be posted on Cover Girl in the biggest bullshit corporation in the states.  American Idol is  just training reality stars, not actual STARS.  I saw Ace Young in Grease and it's painful.  Why hire a baby to do a pedophile's job?  Seriously!  

Whitney is the fakest top model winner in shizzz-tory.  Really?  She was the best and it had nothing to do with the fact that a "big girl" hadn't won top model in the past?  I would get it if she were up against Cycle 9 winner Salisha (boo hisssssss horrible winner!!) but she was up against Anya who was the shit!!  

Tyra if you want us to believe you don't do things for rating you need to heed your own advice about convincing people of finding your strengths and expanding on them.  If you claim to be so real then BE REAL.  I don't think you're that capable though, I think you're just ready for your next dollar.  This is not Dr. Phil bitch!  

Don't expect me to stop watching though.  I'm firmly tuned into this peice of shit.

FEAR

To be afraid or feel anxious or apprehensive about a possible or probable situation or event.

Spitter McSpackle

I hate loogies.

They are the nastiest shit around.

Worse than human excrement, at least SHIT is funny.

There is NOTHING funny about spit.

Hawkers.

Hak Hak patooey.

Get yourself a gentlemanly hanky.  

When I step in spit a baby dies.

Remember that next time you have to do this in public.

I'm keeping count starting now.  

Eventually you will see me on TV.

Save the polar bears?  Save the South African children? NO! Save the babies who died from Spitter McSpakle disease.

Details to follow....

"Here's some acid for your face....motherfucker"

The above is a quote from Edith Massey, aka the beloved egg lady from John Waters films.  However I just finished watching a doucumentary called CRAZY LOVE about a real heroine who got acid tossed in her face in 1959.  Her name, Linda Riss and she's my new moderate obsession.  Here's the sitch, and mind you this is a piece of real american history.  Linda was gorge-majorge...beautiful by all standards.  Fast forward to the meeting of a man named Burt Pugach, a dirty ugly poop head who wined and dined her and flew her around in his goddamn jet! Like all too good to be true cassanova's, Burt ended up married and had a hell of problems.  He tells Linda he's filed for divorce but he made the mistake of showing her the paperwork and she researched it only to find out they were FAKE!  She calls it off, ends up engaged to another man named "Schwartz" and all is well with the world.  

Nope, I lied...Burt goes bazonkers and hires two black men to deliver an engagement present.  When she answers the door, thinking it's an expensive gift, she got a dose 

Of ACID TO THE EYES!!!  Blinded her.  

So he goes to jail long story short and she went to Europe (had a blast but never got laid PS) but Burt wrote her tons of letters talking about how much he still loved her.  BLAH BLAH BLAH...acid, bitch, does not fare well with most women.  Linda AINT MOST WOMEN.

According to her friends she was feelin' a little lonely and spinster-like (she was 35 after all) and Burt just made parole.  Yippee!  So she agrees to a meeting.  Guess what?  They've been married ever since.  Guess what else?  He was also on trial again for stalking some Asian bitch! 

Now, although seemingly weak, Ms. Linda is quite the opposite.  She has a flare for theatrics and a mad fashion sense.  Plus she didn't let Acid get her down.  And hers was the worst trip EVER! She is alive and residing with Burt in Rego Park, Queens!!

I would say check out the documentary, but I've already told you all you need to know.  Or have I.....

While the door remains shut...

My fiancee enlightened me today on how boys shit.

This may seem naive, but it was a fascinating thing to really dive into for me,

seeing I've never had a penis but wondered what it would be like to have it for a day!

They poop and pee at the same time like us girls!!

Their junk just hangs in the space between the seat and the water.

What if your willy is so long it brushes your shit?

Is that infectious?

I'm willing to say that it is.

But for now, I have to paint my nails.

Grrrrrrrr

Please don't make me explain to you why I hate this picture.

Fine, I will.

There's going to be a rubber taste in my bacon now.

Thanks pretentious piggy.