check that one off the list!

No No No

Yes Yes Yes

I do not care

Heading back to the NYC tonight.

So excited and surprisingly sad.

I was surrounded by complete and utter love this last weekend.

People always say that you don't have fun at your own wedding.

Contraire, Mon Frair....(spelled as sounds)

My only regret is that my bra pushed my boobs up a little too much.

But, I guess that's not so bad.

I can't wait to see everyone's pics.

I'm dying to see everyone's pics!!!

Fragments....everywhere in my head.

So happy

So thankful

So

so

so

so

tired!!!

NYC here we come.

Then it's Jamaica, mon......

Hindsight is 20/20?

Today Oprah, after 3 years, apologized to James Frey.

(The author she VERY publicy RUINED.)

To Oprah I say:

"Go eat Gayle's Pussy."

The Ballad of Unemployment

This is what I'm NOT missing about being in New York.

All You Need is....

I'm fascinated at how unaware of themselves people are.

I realize I'm not without flaw, either.

However,  I can see the effects that my words and actions and intentions have on others.

My first reaction is to react.

Grind my teeth and sling shit!

But, upon my arrival home to the midwest, my dad instilled a 5 second rule.

When something happens....breathe for 5 whole seconds.

Sounds simple, but when my gut is burning it's the 

hardest thing

in the world

to do!

The bottom line is people are who they are,

but I'm old enough and *wise* enough now to know where my limitations lie with them.

I'm so thankful to have love in my life.

At the end of the day it is

EVERYTHING.

Not even of a sexual nature, but of a 

real 

primal 

heart swelling

unselfish

love.

Of friends.

Of family,

and I just happened to be blessed enough to have the "other" kind too.

But I know it was given to me because I know what love is.

If you don't know what it is,

you cannot be open enough to receive it

because you wouldn't recognize it

if it whipped out it's dick

and slapped you in the mouth.

(Deep Breath)

Five seconds later....I feel much better.

Regis

And just when I thought I could handle it no more.....

The heavens opened up and God said,

"Bitch, get over yourself."

So I did.

I do.

I am trying to.

I got my hair cut at the mall today.

Regis to be exact.  

$33.00, what a bargain!

I tried to throw the "I'm from New York" card around

Erin, as I read on her card with the "Regis" letterhead, was thoroughly

UN

IM

PRESSED!

After the 3rd time I mentioned it she said "Oh, do you live there?"

I was like,

"shit."

But seriously, come on!  Then I remembered.....

For around 3 years I begged my mom to get my hair cut at the mall 

and NOT

in an independent place in and or around my home town.

I got my first "bob" at the mall

I got my first "shag" at the mall

I got my first "period" at the mall

actually, it was Sam's Club in O'Fallon, IL right down  the road.

Either way.  I'm shedding an ugly skele-tor skeleton right now.

With an ascot wreaking of pretention.

I left St. Clair Square with a kick in my step

mainly because the girl that cut my hair

refused to give into my ego.

Wow, I just realized that this trip home is me getting back to myself.

That should be my one woman show title, huh?

"Me Getting Back to Myself."

Oh shit.  

There's the EGO.....

again!

This might take more than the 20 days I have alotted.....

As Time Goes By

I'm driving in my car, what was once my car, now belongs to my parents, 

through the town I grew up in.  

To visit my grandparents, by the park I smoked my first cigarette in.

Windows are down and a sense of nostalgia fills the interior of the '98 Dodge Neon.

I suddenly feel ridiculously young, and simultaneously old.

Past the high school, past the car wash, past Gitcho's Gas,

who's slogan is "Gitcho Gas at Gitcho's."

Kit Gitcho is the owner and he lived 2 doors down from me growing up.

He was a dog killer, a white man with a tight afro.

The trees are gorgeous!  People here probably don't think twice about them.

Out of town.

To the mall.  The mall I once worked in.

Dillards and 5-7-9 to be exact.

The smell of each mall is strikingly similar and yet distinctively different.

I feel incredibly cool and simultaneously completely out of sorts.

At least there's a Starbucks there.

Who doesn't feel cool when they're holding a Starbucks cup?

Check the time.

Check in with the folks.

Promise to be home by 5:30

because that's when dinner will be ready.

It would be disrespectful not to.

Driving back.

To a house.

Where, after dinner,

I have

nothing

to 

do.

That's when I realize how long it's been,

since I've lived here.

Homecoming

Getting Married makes me wanna die.

REPHRASE...

Planning a wedding is like dying a slow death,

only to be resuscitated at the end.  

I hope I pull through.

The good thing about the wedding is that I'm home in this dirty little Steel Mill Town called,

Granite City, IL.  Here, the meth flows like water and the homeroom's in the High School are meant for throwing baby showers.  

Breathe.

It.

In.

Sitting on my parents screened in porch, drugged within an inch of my life on Clairitin-D, I realize something. 

I .

Am.

Bored.

And now you are too......