Monday, September 29, 2008

This is how it feels to plan a wedding......

Trees and Tribulations


What a beautiful fall day!  Not too hot, Not too cold and yet seemingly appropriate to pull out my blue pashmena.  Yes, Pashmena.  Astoria is always great in the fall because of all the trees just lining the streets.  Up ahead in the distance, I see one stark raving mad child pushing an empty stroller.  I think, God, that kid is kind of cute.  He proceeded to get closer.  Then abruptly, and without reason or remores SLAMS into my g.d. shins.  Mom or Grandma (who can tell) with her hispanic accent and orange curly hair is smiling like a goon, like it's the cutest thing she's ever seen.  She says to me "Sorry," with a shit eating grin.  I yelled back "It's okay, but you might wanna get a handle on that situation."  She didn't even look back and that diablo pequeno continued to push that empty stroller.  It became clear to me that this is a losing battle, and I'll let the girl he ends up impregnating deal with his bullshit.  

Happy Fall!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

WHY WHY WHY!!!!



Dearest funny ass Kristen Wiig,

Why did you go and chop your nose?
A funny lady faux of paux.
Is Kathy Griffith who you wanna be,
a chopped up Joan River type celebrity.
What's done is done I always say,
and part of your funny has gone away.
I'll still support you but one thing is fact,
you can never have your old nose back.

love,
Miss Petrillo
PS if you did this for a deviated septum I take it all back.

Stars of Tomorrow



Hell is many things to many people.
Burning rivers of flames.
Brimstone and hellfire.
Not being able to drink anymore due to addiction....
and a new vision has been lain before my eyes, 
Open Mic night at the Waltz-Astoria.

Song is the owner and she let it be known before the "artists" graced the stage that she trained in classical piano for years, did the whole "conservatory thing," and just CHOSE not to be a performer.  She NEVER wanted to be a performer...but she respects it.  Song as you may have guessed by the name, is Asian.

A slew of acoustic, self-depricating, oppression laced tunes echoed the 2 HOUR open mic night as Aaron and I continued to get more and more wasted off the delicious $6 sangria.  Digging the fruit out of the bottom of the glass chopstick style was the most interesting part of my evening.  
They had a 16 year old boy/girl comedian who stole all his material from comedy central and ended his set with a rousing rendition of a barely audible "What I Got," by Sublime.  A duo that loved to harmonize but couldn't, a "sassy bastard" guitar player that was dull strull, and ended the evening with a nasally Jewel wannabe.  She sang "Foolish Games" and her own creation "County Road 99."  

I wanted to slit my wrists.
I didn't.
I have too much to live for.
Like next week's open mic night.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

A Simple Inquiry


God Save me!

So like when conjoined twins masturbate do they kiss?
Does this make them gay?
Or incestious?
Or just "normal?"

That's for you to ponder, and me to whack off to.